Texas Chainsaw 3D Review

          The newest installment in the "Texas Chainsaw" series is a direct sequel to the original classic (even though Hooper has already made his sequel), however, "Texas Chainsaw 3D" feels like another remake with a last half of anything remotely new. Its ineffectual attempt to recreate and pay homages to the original by having slight nods, lines, and even re-creating similar set-ups from the original, this is the very definition of "hackneyed." This is trite in every sense of the word. Nothing original in the minds of both the writer's and director is explored, yet we're treated to the similar set-up of the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," where we have five teens travel to an abandoned house, only to get picked off one-by-one by a chainsaw wielding maniac until our remaining heroine is left alive. Only in here, it's blatantly insulting. From just retreading from the original story to even having a dead armadillo on the side of the road, it seems clear this film is just to re-establish an already dead franchise in the public's conscience by using 3D technology to guarantee a theatrical release. Even by having the film go off the rails in the last half doesn't serve up to anything, other than making us feel all mushy and gushy to the character of Leatherface. 




  

        What I can admire is the opening title sequence by incorporating footage from the original classic in a 3D effect where it makes the images of the old film grain seem more cool to watch. This film starts right after where the original ended. We see both police and mob rioters flock the Saywer house where the gruesome murders happened. But apparently this town is comprised of slack-jawed yokels who prefer to shoot and burn first and ask questions later, as they engage in a shootout with the Saywer family (it seems they can reproduce in seconds as there are more members than what was hinted in the original). This ends with the all the Sawyer family dead and their house burns in flames, with Leatherface escaping his doom (very vaguely, I might add) and one sole survivor: a baby. This infant is soon adopted by one couple involved in the shootout. 


                                         

        Cut to present day, where that baby girl has grown into a beautiful 20-something teenager, Heather (Alexandra Daddario), who is quickly informed that her distant grandmother has died and left a huge estate in her will to Heather (she blatantly ignores the will, which explains Leatherface residing in the basement). Together, with her boyfriend, Ryan (Tremaine "Trey Songz" Neverson), her promiscuous blonde friend, Nikki (Tania Raymonde) and her boyfriend, Kenny (Scott Eastwood), who take the trip down to Texas to claim the property, unaware that the creepy Leatherface awaits them. What happens in the last third of the film is best left untold, but sad to say, it's very stupefying, to say the least. Now, I know what you're thinking: "how can Heather be in her 20's in the present day of 2012 when she was born in 1973?" Trust me: this problem is the beginning of the many other problems of what's wrong with the film. In fact, there's so many problems riddled with this film that it's remarkably beautiful how badly constructed this film is. Hardly any effort is done to punch up the script that they could have easily avoided the problem with Heather's age if it wasn't for one blatant product placement. Honestly, this had the feeling of taking place somewhere in the 90s, which would have been reasonable, but leave it to the film to fumble in its own mess with an unnecessary visual of an IPhone. 

    
  

         Hollywood has no shame of releasing title after of title of pointless horror remakes/sequels or trying to reinvent the wheel, especially with this sequel that disregards every other movie made after the original film. It's a business and you're either in or out. But how can a trio of screenwriters lack the sense and imagination to come up with anything new or thrilling? It's more so infuriating that a film has to recycle even old kills and set-ups from the original. We get our girl in the freezer scare. We get our person stuck on a meat hook. We get our first victim getting smacked with a hammer. I'm not spoiling anything; I'm setting the record first that "The Texas Chainsaw 3D" can't even think of any new or decent kills. It was tiresome just seeing the same set-up and kills in the Platinum Dunes 2003 remake, which wasn't bad at all, but compared to this dull mess, it's a godsend. Director John Lussenhop feels as if he doesn't care for his audience, or their intelligence; just as long as he puts in enough gore and kills, he can guarantee himself a big pay-day. Added to that, the blatant inconsistencies with the plot is more gaping than the obvious cash-grab marketing to having this be in 3D. It's even more saddening when cameo appearances from cast members of the original are not used to any potential, except to satisfy fans of the original. Gunnar Hansen (the original Leatherface), Marilyn Burns, and John Dugan make brief appearances that weren't worth the trouble of getting.



          With three screenwriters involved ( Kristen Elms, Adam Marcus, and Debra Sullivan) it's almost astounding how awful and cringe-inducing certain lines are when the actors have to force themselves to take it seriously and hope audiences can buy it. Almost every character is written as if they're either lonesome scum, or just oblivious and dumb. Even more so, how flimsy and contrived the narrative is. The big twist in the end only enhances the absolute ridiculousness and the unintentional hilarity that follows through. We leave with the image of Leatherface not being the mystique, over-powering, inhuman monster we remember and loved, but the image of a sad, misunderstood madman with a personal vendetta against all the townspeople responsible for murdering his family (oh, and on the sidelines, it's a good exercise to chase and kill innocent victims. I'm assuming he's just bi-polar). As for Heather, well, we’ll say she makes some of the most irrational decisions ever seen in a horror film by the main protagonist (if she qualifies for that). It’s irksome to think she’s considered a protagonist, considering she is a walking, talking robot without any personality to make her stand out as her own, except for her body. Not that I condone the decisions to showing nudity, but when the film excessively taunts and tantalizes by showing this poor actress (including her friend) in skimpy clothes and teasing at the very idea of revealing anything, it’s safe to say this movie is a total bore without any direction. In fact, it kind of defeats the purpose of an R-rating if one is not inclined to use it to its full advantage. 




    The acting is far from “mildly decent,” with Daddario being the main lead, she comes off as incompetent and clumsy - falling down whenever possible while running away (even that is a tired old cliche) from the chainsaw-wielding maniac. The rest of her friends are just there to be killed, and one couldn’t possibly care less if something bad was going to happen to them. Dan Yeager takes the role of Leatherface, and while from his expressions alone there is some humanity to the character, it just comes off as bland and unsympathetic. It’s admirable for Lussenhop to take this film outside of the box in the third act, but execution-wise it fails, miserably. This is a perfect example of a horror film done with sloppy care and little to no respect for the material, and for that reason alone, it irritated me to no end. Added to that, the horror cliches, inconsistencies to the plot and timelines, and just shlock film-making at its lowest, “Texas Chainsaw 3D” is offensive to the human sensibilities; all the while I was wondering if this film had any sense to begin with. I can safely say the first addition to my “Worst Films of 2013” list belongs to the atrocious “Texas Chainsaw 3D.” What a way to start off the new year. 



                                              Rating: F by Amritpal Rai